Quote of the 'Week'

"Men will always be mad, and those who think they can cure them are the maddest of all."
Voltaire
Discovering that someone has commented on one of my blogs is such a joyous feeling. Hint, bloody hint!

Wednesday 25 February 2009

Happy 16th Birthday to Owen Patten

I'm rubbish at getting people presents, so here's a cartoon instead.

Monday 16 February 2009

Random Joke Generator

http://www.leonatkinson.com/random/index.php/jokes.html

Frankly, you'd be lucky if this site actually came up with anything genuinely witty.
Here are some of my favourites:

Queen Chronic Dune: Knock, knock!
Pimple: Who's there?
Queen Chronic Dune: Skeletal!
Pimple: Skeletal who?
Queen Chronic Dune: Skeletal Jeff!

Q. How many forearms does it take to jive a cholera's protein-like security?
A. None, they don't surrender!

Stumpy: Knock, knock!
Unicyclist: Who's there?
Stumpy: Pliable!
Unicyclist: Pliable who?
Stumpy: Pliable Hector!

Q. What do igloos use for spirits?
A. The moon.

Q. How many misfits does it take to constitute another habitual octave?
A. None, they don't undress.

Best excuses of you are caught with the constrictive drapes:
1. Act like the drapes are another puffed whip.
2. Say: "I just like to irritate!"
3. Say: "Unbelievable! Ostriches made me do it!"

Sir Legacy walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Do you know you have one more slit in your gently-jasper?" "Yes," Sir Legacy says, "it eclipses my women!"

Q. How many rapists does it take to interrogate Heaven?
A. Three to calculate Heaven and enough to gallivant.

Hang on a minute, I have found another website: http://www.brunching.com/cgi/barjoke.cgi. These are quite good.

All right, a Californian walks into a bar. A duck says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a Californian"? The Californian leaves the bar and comes back in, three times. The bartender takes a deep breath and yells "You owe me a twenty."
The Californian looks around and says "Well, at these prices I'm not surprised!"

Okay, so a Irishman walks into a bar. The bartender says "You owe me a twenty." The Irishman takes a deep breath and yells "Are you kidding? I'm an Irishman!" A nun gets close to the Irishman and thinks a minute and says "Give me a hundred bucks and I'll hold this pencil between your ass cheeks."
So the Irishman shouts "What? They sold me a chihuahua?"

This duck walks into a bar. A blonde pounds on the bar and yells "I'm gonna do anything you want, as many times as you want!" The duck gets flustered and doesn't know what to say. The bartender says "You owe me fifty bucks."
So the duck says "Moo."

Okay, so a Irishman walks into a bar. The bartender stands up and says "We don't see many Irishmen in here." The Irishman leaves the bar and comes back in, three times. A drunk looks at the Irishman and sits down and says "I know I don't know you, but I'd love to give you oral pleasure like you wouldn't believe."
So the Irishman takes a deep breath and yells "I'll have a vinegar and water."

All right, a kangaroo walks into a bar. A hooker says "I'd hold this pencil between your ass cheeks to get a drink." The kangaroo says "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender takes a deep breath and yells "Look, we don't serve kangaroos here."
So the kangaroo says "I was talking to the the hooker."

All right, a Californian walks into a bar. The bartender says "You owe me ten bucks." The Californian takes a deep breath and yells "I'll take a Martini." The bartender says "See that monkey over there? If you beat up everyone in the bar that monkey will take you home and make love to you all night."
The Californian says "Wash your hands and get me a cheeseburger."


Okay, so a lawyer walks into a bar. The bartender takes a deep breath and yells "What's it gonna be?" The lawyer leaves the bar and comes back in, three times. The bartender says "We don't see many lawyers in here."
The lawyer sits down and says "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking!"

So this dog walks into a bar. A rabbi says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a dog"? The dog says "I'm not a dog, I'm a guy!" The bartender says "You owe me a dollar."
So the dog says "I can't believe you thought I was a guy!"

Over and out.

Sunday 1 February 2009

This actually happened.

March 17th, 1942.
Germany marches into Alton Towers.



Why did they commit such a dastardly deed? Who knows? But with bayonets that pointy, they couldn't have been there for the Oblivion rollercoaster, I'll tell you that.
I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!